Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize