I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
