Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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