I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
