I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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