i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Send help, water and tortillas.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
