i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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