After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
