nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
