Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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