my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
