then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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