If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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