WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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