Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is the high leading the old right now
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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