Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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