Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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