there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
