Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
