At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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