i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
