My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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