Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
