I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
