Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
