Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
