I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
