a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
