Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
