the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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