Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The struggles of a small town man whore
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
