one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All I want is dick and wine.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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