I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
