connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
