i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
