4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
