my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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