You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
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I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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