I'm pants shitting drunk right now
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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