Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
