Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
