My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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