In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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