I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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