Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you traded sex for a burrito?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
