my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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