The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
