he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
