I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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