Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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