i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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