this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It was confusing and full of hummus
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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