right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
