there's paper in my vomit.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
