Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
