Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
