Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
